It’s amazing how chronic illness changed what I am looking for in a partner.
Now I just don’t look for partners. I look for solace and refuge from the pain and all the other shit that comes with this fucking disease, but I clam up if I try to open up emotionally. I just want to stay locked away, where I can always tend to my needs above anyone else’s.
I crave space if I feel the slightest hint of my RA going awry. I can’t stomach the idea of sharing that rogue creature with another person. Other people that don’t have pain just look at me like I are a side show. My pain is weird and repulsive, but for me it is my normal everyday. A mask is always helpful; you have to slowly lower them into the flames.